Let’s be honest. Regardless of our age, communicating with spouse is perhaps the most difficult thing we will ever do. I’m not kidding. It is just difficult. We bring different perspectives and sometimes opposing views to the conversation. It’s also different because men and women by nature speak in two different languages. Men say something and women hear something else. Women say something and men generally don’t hear anything! That’s the problem! The natural response to most disagreements is to immediately fight or flee. We should do whatever we can to avoid quick reactionary responses. Sometimes the conversation is over small things, and sometimes the small things grow into big things. Either way, it should value our spouse enough to engage in encouraging conversation that hopefully leads to reconciliation. But, what happens when we flee? What happens when we withdraw from the conversation? What happens when we withdraw and ignore? I can promise you that disagreement and conflict never magically resolves if we ignore it. It takes time and work.
Let’s think about withdrawal in a disagreement. Why do we do that?
Withdrawal as a defensive strategy
Sometimes we withdraw during a conflict with our spouse because we do not want to get hurt. We’ve gone down the same road before and have been hurt each time we try to engage in a disagreement. So, we purposefully decide to protect ourselves from the potential hurt thrown our way by our spouse. By the way, the conversation is over when we withdraw. Zip, nada, nothing, case closed, it’s over. This defensiveness is generally because we do not have complete trust in our spouse and their intention during our disagreement. We basically don’t trust our spouse and their love for us, so we build a wall to protect ourselves. If we become defensive in a disagreement, it is a trust issue. So, you need to think through how to develop trust with your spouse. This requires peeling back layers in your marriage…much like peeling back the layers of an onion. Distrust in a relationship happens over an extended period of time and is not restored overnight.
Withdrawal as a deterring strategy
Sometimes we withdraw during a conversation because the tension is becoming so great that we might say something that would be inappropriate or unwise. At this point, we might be wise to be very slow to speak. If we don’t, we may say something that we will forever regret. Proverbs 29:11 says, “A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.” Remember, you can never take back something you say! It’s like gum on our shoe…it always seems to stick around.
Withdrawal as a deferring strategy
Sometimes we know it is not the right time to discuss an issue, so we withdraw to defer the conversation to another time. This is occasionally the very best thing we can do. Timing is everything, and having intense discussions when we’re tired or stressed might increase the chance of escalating the conversation in a conflict. Ephesians 4:15 says, “Speak the truth in love.” Sometimes speaking the truth in love means speaking at a time when both spouses are alert, refreshed, and capable of controlling their emotions. If we are going to withdraw to defer, it is more effective to actually talk about deferring the conversation to another time and planning a time to revisit the issue. That is often not the case. The problem with deferring is that the conversation may never come back up and the issue never resolves itself. So, I would recommend that we not simply withdraw, but actually consider having the conversation at a different time when it is best for both spouses. Don’t forget it. We must revisit the issue soon so we can resolve the feelings associated with our conversation.
Do not become weary! Effective communication in marriage is serious business. It takes time and work. We need to commit to intentionally work on this area so that we can experience healthy marriages.