He shouldn’t have done that to me! She shouldn’t talk to me that way! He lied to me! She hurt me! My best friend didn’t keep his word! My friend really hurt me! I didn’t deserve that! And the excuses just go on and on and on and on and on about why we shouldn’t forgive. Forgiveness is extremely difficult because we often make it contingent on our own feelings or the other person’s humility and repentance. Truthfully, those things aren’t important when it comes to forgiveness.
If you’ve been hurt, forgiveness is about you, not others. If you’ve been wronged, forgiveness is about you, not others. If you’ve been unfairly treated, forgiveness is about you, not others. If you’ve been disrespected at work, forgiveness is about you, not others. If your spouse is unkind to you, forgiveness is about you, not others. You see, forgiveness is primarily a result of our constant and maturing relationship with the Lord, not necessarily our relationship with others. While our relationship with others is important, it is not primary. When our primary relationship focus is on the Lord, the other relationships we have will improve. When we are in this type of relationship with the Lord, then we should struggle less and less with forgiveness.
Our motivation for forgiveness should be our love for God and our love for others. Proverbs 10:12 says, “Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.” Love is a powerful emotion and motivator. My love for my wife motivates me to forgive her when I feel wronged. Her love for me also motivates her to forgive when she feels wronged. But, my love for her can only express itself correctly if I love God passionately. My love for God is actually my motivation for loving others. But, it’s not just any kind of love that helps us to forgive. It is unconditional love. Matthew 18:21-35 tells us that we should unconditionally and infinitely forgive others.
True love for God = True unconditional forgiveness.
Christ calls us sheep, and sheep are just messy animals that always seem to get into trouble. They often wander away from others, they are defenseless, and when they fall down, even with a life alert button, they can’t get up! Although we love God and forgive others, we still have a mess to clean. There is no emotional debris and wreckage garbage disposal that makes it all go away neatly so that we don’t have to deal with it. It just doesn’t go away. That’s why we have to be intentional about picking up the pieces. So, what do we do? When we think about forgiveness, there are several things to keep in mind.
Forgiveness is not approval of an action or activity, but a demonstration of your love for God and others.
Pull out the Tums because this one causes heartburn. There are times when we forgive someone and then feel like our forgiveness is somehow approval. It makes us feel guilty that we even forgave. Let me put your mind at ease. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we actually approve of the action. Forgiveness doesn’t empower the other person to continue to do or engage in a particular activity. In fact, we probably don’t approve of their action because we had to forgive them in the first place! You can disapprove of the activity, but still forgive the hurt.
Forgiveness is not becoming best friends, but still using discretion in your relationships.
Relationships are built on love for God and love for each other. However, significant relationships in our lives are still guided by godly discretion. I’m sure you are familiar with the saying, “Hurt me once and it’s your fault….hurt me twice and it’s mine.” That’s the point. We must use godly discretion when it comes to spending time with people. When I was younger, my mother told me that there were a few people who were actually off limits for me to play with. They had habits that were not good for me to experience. So, I followed her discretion. As I grew and matured, I had to develop my own godly discretion. This follows suit in the arena of forgiveness as well. It is fine to guard your heart from hurt and also associate with people who are encouragers. Scripture tells us, “Do not be deceived, bad company ruins good morals (1 Corinthians 15:33).” But, I also want you to realize that hurt and pain will always accompany good friendships. So, just because you were hurt or experienced pain, don’t throw away years of a maturing friendship. Pray about it and allow God to shape and mold your heart so that you might be able to salvage what Satan would want to destroy. Authentic relationships are just messy!
Forgiveness is not weakness of character, but strength through humility.
We live in a fallen world and experience difficulty at each intersection of life. At these difficult times, society would encourage us to exhibit strength through intimidation, bullying, words that hurt, or lashing out at those who hurt us. Humanity tells us only the strong survive. Life is about the survival of the fittest. Only those who lord over others can win. Losing is never an option and win at whatever cost. However, that is not what God’s word tells us. Philippians 2:3 says, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” I think this covers forgiveness as well. When Paul says “do NOTHING” it includes forgiveness. We should forgive others and look at them as better than us. One thing that helps us to forgive with humility is for us to understand that we, too, need the forgiveness of others on a regular basis.
Forgiveness is not restoration of a relationship, but a step that makes reconciliation a possibility.
As long as anger, bitterness, and disappointment control how you view another person, you can’t possibly reconcile that relationship. It may be that you decide to use discretion when making choices about who gets your attention and time, but reconciliation is important in living out the gospel. Remember, the main goal of our lives is to live for the glory of the Lord and to point others to Him. We can’t possibly do that if we have unresolved relationship issues. So, I would encourage you, at a minimum, to seek reconciliation in your relationships with those who need your forgiveness. Forgiveness in itself does not produce reconciliation, but it does open the door for communication and provides an avenue for potential restoration.
Forgiveness is not about our expectation of others
There were many times when I wanted people to ask me to forgive them before I would forgive them. Hey, they wronged me. I didn’t wrong them. It was their responsibility, not mine. I actually wanted their contrition and repentance before I gave them my forgiveness. Here’s what changed my thinking. I began to realize that this life is not about me. It’s about Christ. It’s about leading others to Christ. It’s about living out the gospel pointing others to Him. Simple, but profound. When God is the center of my focus, then I’m not the center of my focus. At this point, it’s much easier to live out the gospel.
How are you doing? Who is in the center of your existence? Are you pointing others to Christ through your forgiveness?