Why do we hurt?
We hurt because God created us in His image and we experience emotions. Emotional hurt deeply interferes with normalcy in our lives and comes in several different forms. People either intentionally do things that hurt us or unintentionally do things that hurt us. Either way, hurt is a part of living. So, we must accept the inevitability of hurt and learn to correctly manage it in our lives. But, as we do that we often implement mythical measures to overcome this hurt. Have you ever used any of the following methods to deal with your own hurt?
Myth 1: If we just give it enough time, everything will be fine
Time heals all things. I’ve heard that before and have used that in counseling to help people think about their specific hurts differently. Time really does give us the space to think through and process the hurt. However, time actually helps to dull the memory of the trauma felt when someone wronged us. While this is helpful, and God surely uses it to work out forgiveness in our lives, time doesn’t necessarily heal all hurts. There must be something else.
Myth 2: If we forgive we’ll automatically forget
It’s a shame that we just can’t forgive someone and then forget it never happened. God didn’t make us that way. We know that we should forgive because God demands that from us, but I believe God allows us to remember for many reasons. First, we remember hurt we felt so that we can choose our friends more wisely. Some people are uncomfortable with this, but it is true. To engage in relationships that are dysfunctional and cause so much strife and hurt are not healthy. Second, we remember hurt we felt so that we can help others who are experiencing the same kinds of hurt. God allows us to experience hurt and pain in our lives so that we can impact others with our own understanding. We can help others by pointing them to God and His word for their help and comfort (Psalm 41:1).
Myth 3: If we “take something” for it, it will go away
I’ve heard this one before. Just go out and party your problems away. This seems reasonable, but in this case we just exchange one problem for another. While many of us laugh at this, we do wish there were some magic pill we could take or enough alcohol we could drink that would remove the hurt. The truth is that there is nothing that we can take or drink that removes the hurt. At some point we have to face the reality that where two or more are gathered that there will be hurt.
Myth 4: If we share our hurt with a friend, it will simply vanish
Sharing a hurt with a friend only lets them know that you’re hurting. There is no guarantee that they will have some special or secret advice only known to them that can help your situation. By the way, they do usually give their advice whether you want it or not. Sometimes we just want people to know we are in the middle of a season of hurt in our lives. I figure we let people know we are hurting for one of two reasons. First, we let people know we are hurting because we need help with it. Second, we let people know we are hurting because we want them to know that a certain person is hurting us. Deflecting hurt to the one who decides to intentionally or unintentionally hurt someone will only provide a platform for revenge to grow in your spirit. Revenge can never heal hurt.
Myth 5: If we confront our offender, our hurt will turn to happiness
Confrontation always seems to have a negative connotation. In this case, when we confront the one who hurt us it could go several ways. First, the one who hurt us is simply made aware that their speech or action caused hurt. Sometimes this leads to escalation in the relationship and things break down even more. Second, we confront our offender for the purpose of revenge and receiving some type of specific apology so that we can forgive. In my opinion confronting always boxes the offender in a corner and almost always places them on defense. Confrontation may make us feel good, but in the end, our personal joy should never be connected to confronting someone who hurt us.
So what do we do?
We must first understand that Jesus was hurt throughout His ministry by those who hated Him, those who were scared of His seemingly immediate popularity, and even by those He considered to be His closest friends. How did Jesus respond? Jesus responded by relying on His Father to provide for Him in every situation. God provided the Holy Spirit for us to help us in every situation. The Holy Spirit guides us, helps us, reminds us of God’s word, and counsels us in the darkest days of hurt. Rest in the Holy Spirit to provide for you and allow the Holy Spirit to encourage you as you spend more time in God’s word. You will never regret the time you spend in God’s word. It is living, active, and able to comfort you in difficult days.