Life is full of disappointment and hurt. This person hurts you, that person hurts you, your boss hurts you, your spouse hurts you, your cousin hurts you, your best friend hurts you, and people you don’t even know hurt you. Sometimes, it seems that life is one big three-ring circus full of hurt. More times than not, sin causes those hurts. Even though we may feel resentment and pain, how we respond to those emotions makes all the difference in our relationship with the Lord and others. I want to encourage you to explore godly forgiveness for a few minutes and consider how you might exercise that discipline your life so that you will be able to better display the fruit of the Spirit toward others. Here are a few potential options when it comes to forgiveness.

Cover – One of the most difficult things is to love others with a love that covers sin. To cover sin means that we let it go. There are times when someone sins against us and we choose to allow our love for him or her to cover the sin. We literally let it go, never bring it up, and continue in your relationship. We forgive them and move on. Peter says, “8 Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). Some sins are easier to cover than others because they do not warrant confrontation. When a sin reaches past the threshold of covering, it is time to confront.

Confront with Restoration – If you can’t cover the sin, you need to confront the sin. Confronting sin is still about restoration. The goal of biblically confronting sin is to seek restoration with the person who sinned and committed an offense against you. Jesus said in Matthew 18, “15 If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” This is restoration. While this is the most desired outcome, it is not always the actual outcome. When restoration is not the outcome, the confrontation usually turns into conflict.

Confronting without Resolution – As difficult as it seems, Matthew 18:15-17 don’t have much to say about forgiveness. Rather, these verses explain more about restoring a brother or sister in Christ. Let’s suppose you talk with someone who offended you and they are not persuaded by your conversation to repent. Scripture tells us to “…..16 take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church (elders and/or leadership). And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” What does this mean? It literally means that your present forgiveness does not guarantee future restoration of the relationship. You might love someone who offended you. You should forgive someone who offended you. But because of discernment you don’t have to have fellowship with them. If your brother or sister in Christ is not interested in restoration, it will not happen. Restoration takes two people acting in love toward one another.

Conflict – Conflict is the result of non-confronted sins that need covering or confronting. Sometimes people have a difficult time covering sin. So, they begin to harbor bitterness and anger. This anger breeds disgust and eventually turns to conflict. This conflict could have been avoided if the offended one would have actually either covered the offense with love or confronted the offense with spiritual maturity. At this point, conflict occurs between the two parties. Usually, conflict is very difficult to resolve because so much time has gone by and much water is under the bridge. Am I saying it’s impossible to move from conflict to reconciliation? Not at all! What I am saying is that it is very difficult even with God’s help and guidance.

Reconcile – This happens when both parties agree to “make-up.” More than anything else, this takes humility and grace. Usually only one party has to forgive when an offense occurs. However, it takes both parties to go through reconciliation. I do wish to define reconcile carefully. Reconcile means that both parties involved agree to remain in fellowship with each other. This doesn’t mean that trust is automatically gained. In fact, trust is never automatically gained and usually takes striving daily to walk with integrity before the one offended. Trust is easily lost and very slowly gained!

Restoration – This is the result of someone who either covers or confronts the offense, and over time increases trust in the one who offended. I can’t tell you how long it takes to restore a relationship, but I can tell you restoration means to put back into a previous condition. So, when a relationship is restored, it is placed back into the condition it was in before the offense occurred. When you go through restoration, it is time-consuming and often emotionally intensive and draining. Many marriages are in the reconciliation stage and working toward restoration. If this is you, I want to encourage you to continue to seek the Lord as he restores your marriage through your daily integrity and time spent with each other.   I want to end with the following thoughts about what forgiveness doesn’t mean and what forgiveness means. Think through how you may or may not currently hold grudges against those you need to forgive. If you have an unforgiving spirit, it will only cause a struggle in your walk with the Lord. Get it right today. Forgive those who need forgiveness. Remember, God forgave you when you offended him more than anyone could offend you.

What Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean

  • Forgiveness doesn’t mean automatic friendship
  • Forgiveness doesn’t mean I have to forget the offense
  • Forgiveness doesn’t mean I seek revenge
  • Forgiveness doesn’t mean I ignore consequences
  • Forgiveness doesn’t mean I automatically trust
  • Forgiveness doesn’t mean I ignore an issue or sin
  • Forgiveness doesn’t mean they have to ask me to forgive them
  • Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean telling them I forgive them
  • Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean complete and immediate restoration of the relationship

What Forgiveness Does Mean

  • Forgiveness does mean I forgive the sin or offense
  • Forgiveness does mean I release the offense or burden
  • Forgiveness does mean I potentially seeking reconciliation
  • Forgiveness does mean I potentially seeking restoration
  • Forgiveness does mean I use discernment about future fellowship
  • Forgiveness does mean I help others through the same hurt I experienced
  • Forgiveness does mean I exercise humility
  • Forgiveness does mean I work hard to restore the relationship
  • Forgiveness does mean I exercise mercy and grace
  • Forgiveness does mean I remember how much God forgave me and doing likewise

How hard to you work to cover, confront, reconcile or restore after you experience an offense against you? Pray that God will give you an amazing discernment as you work hard to forgive people who hurt you.